Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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