He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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