What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
