so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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