I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
