You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
