A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
