fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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