So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
