chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
