I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
