Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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