i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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