The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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