Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
