Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
