Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
