i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
