Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
