I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
