Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
