I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
