soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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