fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
