I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
