Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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