i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
