so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
