I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
