I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
