my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
