I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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