I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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