I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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