and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
