Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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