I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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