I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
