he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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