Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
