My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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