I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
