there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
