I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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