My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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