I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
