Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
