the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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