That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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