well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
